I am the alpha and the omega
May 21, 2004
Business Maxims

  1. No matter how low you bid the job, there is always an idiot out there willing to do it for less.
  2. The more you cut your price to get business, the more likely you are to go out of business.
  3. The more you try to compete on a price basis the lower your prices will go. Corollary: Your income will follow.
  4. The bigger your yellow pages ad , the more low priced calls from non-repeat customers you will get.
  5. Increasing your ad size increases the percentage of low profit calls you get.
  6. The prize for beating out all of your competitors for the biggest most expensive ad in all of the different yellow pages books is bankruptcy.
  7. The more you advertise that you have 24 hour service, the more security guards and insomniacs will call you in the middle of the night with requests for price quotations.
  8. Advertise as a 24 hour service and you will get angry calls from people who stopped by your shop at four in the morning and you weren't there.
  9. Your best apprentice will quit and open a shop across the street and cut your prices.
  10. The one who is un-trainable will stay with you forever.

This was a nice forward I had got.
You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.


13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
15. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9 on this list.
16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9 on this list.
17. And now you are laughing at yourself!

This was another set of good jokes.

  • A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
    The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!".
    The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
    The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
  • Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
    He screams, "I slept with your mother!".
    The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
    The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!".
    The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk.".
  • A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
  • A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
    'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
    The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 ho urs to live'.
    'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
    The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
  • A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
    His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. "
    The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
  • This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?".
    The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.. .." .
  • A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" .
  • Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend .
    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
    "And what do you deduce from that?"
    Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
    Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Hope you enjoyed it. :D

Posted by satosphere at 11:47 AM


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